and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
