Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
