There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He felt like a one man threesome
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
