I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
