i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
