I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
