he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
