I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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