my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
