I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
