i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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