Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
