Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
