My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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