I just pynch a tree in the face
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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