burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The Olympian is in my bed
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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