why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
