the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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