I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
