Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
