I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
