I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
