so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
did i walk over a car last night?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
