I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
