I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
