Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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