winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
