Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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