i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
