Please, let me fuck your mom
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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