haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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