New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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