Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
