I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
