We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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