So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
