ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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