just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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