Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
