if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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