May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
