why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
