I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
