tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
