The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
did i walk over a car last night?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
