I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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