I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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