Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
