I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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