I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
